I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
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