his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
