my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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