When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
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