My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
