how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
