So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
