Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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