i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
