She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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