i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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