If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
