I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
