Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
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