remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
