I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
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It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
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FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
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