at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
