Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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