She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
