I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
