Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I can feel your judgement through the phone
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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