First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
