Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
She even gives head with a lisp.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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