i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
