I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
