If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
