i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
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