ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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