He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
