Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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