census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
