I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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