New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
