Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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