I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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