i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
