its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
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