I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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