his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
