woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
