I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
