Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
we're so committed to being not committed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
