After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
