I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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