Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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