Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
