So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
