My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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