I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
