Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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