dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Randomize
