I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i've created a new STD.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
