Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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