So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
