Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Those nachos came to me in a dream
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize